I'm really into asian looking animals
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
