we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
