Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
