Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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