Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
