dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize