my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Vodka?
Forever.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
