I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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