i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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