I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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