Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
