It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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