my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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