I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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