Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
