you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
