So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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