you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
