This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
