You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
