i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
