I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
