i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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