wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
