remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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