Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize