I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
