When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
