i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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