I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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