I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
