Cold hands, warm shart.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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