Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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