My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize