I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
