So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So here I am, sexting at work.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
