I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
