he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
