I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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