just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
