i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
