So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
