Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize