Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
