how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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