True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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