I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
