I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
