3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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