I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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