just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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