I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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