What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
