My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
